We’re human, we can’t help having unpleasant feelings. I think jealousy and envy are the ugliest of all and they make me feel like an awful person. All I can do is try to somehow find balance while I’m in that place. It’s not a matter of bad or wrong, it’s just human nature. As self-conscious beings, we are able to stop that train of thought before it takes us to the dark side of our minds. Yesterday I had to stare my demon right in the eye.

I have a cousin who is a film director, yesterday he premiered his opera prima in the city I live in, at an international film festival. The difference between him and us (my husband and I) is that he went to film school, while we are doing it old school style, financing ourselves and learning on the way. I resisted to go at first, it took me hours to make up my mind, but in the end, I realized I was being silly, and although this cousin is not very close to me, going to his premiere, despite my jealousy, was the mature thing to do. After the screening, he talked about how he financed his film, what he said ended up helping me. He said that his school and other organizations gave him about $200,000.00 MXN, which is about $15,000.00 USD, and according to him, that sum is very little money to produce a feature film, which in Mexico costs around half a million dollars, and of course, we’re not talking about big productions.

Dave screen test
Screen test of “Eufemio”

My husband a I started our own production company because the national market is not interested in the kind of stories we want to tell, mainly focused in horror and science fiction with a hint of comedy. We are currently working on a short film about the birth of a serial killer and our budget is $800.00 USD, in a way, learning that we are able to tell a good story with very, very little money, gave me hope. Even if we are progressing slowly, I know that every step is taking us where we belong.

Neda Ruscic


2 thoughts on “The ugliest feeling

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